The Top 12 Must See Acts of Coachella 2012 According To Our Shit Talking Loud Mouth Founder Reverend Justito

My only trek to Indio for three days of music in the desert was nearly 2 ½ years ago. It featured one band performing 8 sets for 45,000 devoted fans. Truth be told, I am a bit scared of my first Coachella experience. I am not really the violent type, but the right mix of mind altering substances as well as the heat and general stupidity of 89,989 fucktards rocking fedoras may just send me into a murderous rampage. I suppose it’s a good thing that the fine folks at Goldenvoice don’t allow weapons onto the lush green lawn known as the Empire Polo Fields. But enough with the hate, weekend one of Coachella is just days away and I want to share with you the top 12 artists I am looking to forward to enjoying in the middle of the fucking desert.

Honorable Mentions Who Didn’t Make the Cut: AWOLNATION, The Black Angels, Girl Talk, Manchester Orchestra

12) GROUPLOVE

I tried to catch these lovable Silver Lake by way of the UK and Brooklyn yet formed in Greece hippiesters at the 2011 Outside Lands Music Festival in San Francisco. Booked on the festivals smallest stage yet performing to a massive crowd my pals and I were so far back that we had no choice but to enjoy some whiskey and pretend that we could hear what was going on. With tours of a land down under and a few national TV appearances under their belt since Outside Lands, hopefully I can get a bit closer to the group this time around. If not, at least I will spend Weekend 2 of Coachella at my Best Friend’s House.

11) The Black Lips:

You don’t go see The Black Lips for the music (well maybe you do) you go see these Atlanta based Flower Punkers to watch them urinate on stage, puke on stage, chug beers on stage and spit snot rockets into the air only to catch it in their mouths and swallow it down. Hopefully around the time they play their guitars with their penises, I am vomiting all over those annoying racist white girls who dress like Native American Princesses. Don’t worry honey, I drink microbrew your moccasins will be just fine it’s the headdress that you need to worry about.

10) St. Vincent:

While I would prefer more METAL at Coachella, one thing that the festival is stacked with is great female talent. From Feist to that Florence chick who sounds like a dying pigeon when she sings this may be the best collection of ass kicking females in one place since Lilith Fair 1998. I was shocked at how impressed I was with St. Vincent when I caught her in Hollywood last fall. While I am not sure if her show will translate from a small dark theatre to a sun baked polo field if nothing conflicts I look forward to finding out. Oh and she may be the one individual at Coachella whose skin is more fair than mine. Perhaps we can share sun block after she gives me tips on how to kick ass on guitar as hard as she does.

9) The Buzzcocks:

For me classic punk bands are like Pokemon, I have to catch them all. With the likes of Angry Samoans, FEAR and Youth Brigade checked off the list, Coachella 2012 is my chance to catch the pride and joy of Bolton England. Here is hoping that “Orgasm Addict” and “Something’s Gone Wrong Again” make it onto the setlist.

8 ) Grace Potter and the Nocturnals:

Unknown to her, Grace Potter is my future ex-wife. Long before she was rocking VH1 award shows wearing fancy clothes, this Vermont native was winning me over with her hippielicious 70’s arena rock. Oh and the best thing about seeing Miss Potter and crew at a festival is the fact I can still enjoy her without violating that nasty court order saying I must stay 250 feet away at all times.

7) Childish Gambino:

If Foxy Shazam is White Music For Black People, does that make Childish Gambino Black Music for White People? Granted I don’t know much about hip hop, everything I have heard by this dude is great. It’s like Drake, but not a total fucking joke. Plus we both drink whiskey till we are grounded, here is to passing out in the tent during his set. That is of course when I am not puking on Asian girls from UCLA?

6) Pulp:

As an American, my vote is that you play “Common People” and then get the fuck off the stage so The Black Keys can rock. Oh and have a meltdown, because I have always wanted to see a Brit-Pop band have a breakdown on stage. I kid of course, granted I don’t really know much about Pulp, I have a thing for bands from the UK who don’t get the respect they deserve on this continent. So knowing they don’t come over here often, Pulp you best amaze the fuck out of me.

5) Girls:

I get the feeling Girls will make a lot of new fans at Coachella this year. Their performance at the Music Box last December was their biggest US headline gig to date and they blew the roof off the fucking place. Their 2011 release Father, Son, Holy Ghost made it onto numerous top ten lists for good reason. From lush ballads like “Love Like A River” to Sabbath inspired rockers like “Vomit” and “Die” this band is truly something special and not to be missed.

4) Noel Gallagher’s High Flying Birds:

While I fully expect to see a water-downed version of Gallagher’s stunning November 2012 appearance on the campus of UCLA, that will still be far superior to the performance of Saturday headliners Radiohead. Having hit arena headliner status across the pond in Europe, I have no doubt that Gallagher’s well crafted songs will captivate the masses as the sun sets in the west. Likewise, ladies if you are crushed over his lack of “Wonderwall”, you can cry on my shoulder while Radiohead blow pussy farts across the Polo Fields.

3) Refused:

Dead my ass! Refused are back and they are going to kick the living crap out of the hipster nation. Granted I get the vibe they would be better in a small club instead of on a massive stage, the fact is that in 2012 Refused are alive and I will get to see them with my own two eyes. I never thought I would have a chance, but Lord knows I plan to make the most of this one.

2) At The Drive-In:

You can pretty much take the above statement on Refused and put it here. The only difference is that I was going to see At The Drive-In live and then they went and broke up. I kid you not, when those loveable fucks over at Antiquiet broke the news that these mad men from El Paso were reforming I knew I had to finally make the trek to Coachella. Fingers crossed no one moshes thus ending the performance before it even begins.

1) Kasabian:

CAN YOU FEEL IT COMING? Anyone who knows me already knew who the number one band was going to be. It has been 5 long years since Kasabian blessed North American with their presence. Super stars in Europe, Asia and Australia, there are many theories as to why this band has not taken off in America, but who cares. The fact is Kasabian is here in America right now and you are a damn fool if you miss their Saturday performance. Massive anthems from real rock and roll stars, Kasabian is the one act you can’t miss at Coachella 2012. See you in the fucking pit.

 

 

 

A direct descendant of the outlaw Jesse James and star of a 1983 Kilpatricks Bread radio commercial, Reverend Justito has taken his gift of ADHD and put it to good use by creating one of a kind concert reviews. A bootlegger at heart, the man lives off Whiskey, Taco Bell and the love of San Francisco sports teams.
ReverendJustito
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Monday, April 9th, 2012 at 11:45 am.
Categories: Reviews.

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