Note: This story was part of our April Fool’s 2012 News Blast Spectacular. It is not to be confused with truth. We hope you enjoy. 


As Radiohead are creeping up (see what I did there?) on their 20th anniversary, it is obvious that they are one of the proggiest non-prog bands in existence. They’ve cycled from sexually frustrated whiners to complex time-signature changing alt-heads to a jazzy-electronic fiber-optic powerhouse. So what’s next? Rumor has it that it is something no one ever saw coming: death metal.

According to the garbage man of Thom Yorke, “Death metal has always been something I’ve thoroughly enjoyed.” He cites Dying Fetus, Deicide, Obituary, and Cannibal Corpse as influences for his band Radiohead’s upcoming 9th studio album, “Christ-Killer Zombie Plague of Doom.”

This man lives and breathes heavy metal.

This certainly comes as a surprise to even the most die-hard Radiohead fans. According to the VP of guitar player Jonny Greenwood’s fan club, Greenwood may have said the following:

“Not everyone’s gonna love it. Hell, everyone’s gonna probably hate it. But if we focused on putting out music that everyone loved, then we never would have put out King of Limbs.”

Greenwood also allegedly discuss that his Fender Telecaster “doesn’t go down to Drop A tuning, so I had to use a different guitar. It was quite frightening. It sounded like Satan masturbating.” Couldn’t have said it better myself.

Satan: Not the only one who's masturbating.

It wasn’t just hard on the guitarists and singer, however. Drummer Phil Selway is rumored to have had his own struggles. A secret informant shares with us the following alleged Selway quote:

“It’s tough going from 100 BPM songs in 7/4 time or whatever to 215 BPM songs in 2/4 time,” says Selway, on the difficulty of drumming death metal style. “And 215 BPM is the slowest song on the album! If [the other members] think for one second that I’m doing these songs live, they’re out their mind, I’ll tell you that right now.”

"Fast songs make me sad panda."

The album is due out in early 2013, and according to Yorke, “the lyrics aren’t written yet, but we have all the instrumental parts and the song titles.” Said song titles are listed below.

1. Psychosexual Mastication of an Appendage
2. The Digestion Systems of Cattle
3. Fecal Matter and the Ingestion Thereof
4. Double Homicide with a Forged Suicide Note
5. Bipolarity and Its Effect on Teens
6. Quadruple Bypass Slavery
7. Severed Phalluses in the Vaginal Opening of the Sphinx
8. Shark-Infested Waters of Blood
9. Explosive Diarrhea Due to Excessive Rape
10. The Cyclops of Las Vegas
11. Biblical Genocide of AIDS-Ridden Chimpanzees

According to a school mate of Colin Greenwood, the song titles “came to him in an Ambien-fueled nightmare.” The album is rumored to be a concept album, and is the same backwards as it is forwards.

My name is Jakob and I listen to a lot of music. I also attend lots of concerts. That is all.
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